Ideas For A Stimulusless Holiday Season


If you’re like me, you thought by now you’d be doing all your early holiday shopping with a pocket full of cash that you earned on the new tech job you were trained for thanks to the Stimulus Package. You would shoot from mall to mall via high-speed train that runs on change (not the money, but the intangible election promise) and other green energy sources.

Maybe we got our hopes up too high. Maybe we expected the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 to be a magic bullet even though President Obama said repeatedly and verbatim “this is not going to be a magic bullet.” That was his cushion. If the stimulus did work miracles Obama could say “I was wrong. Everybody take a house.” But as things have turned out about ten dollars of the $800 billion of available funds have been paid out thus far and once every American takes their cut there isn’t a lot left over for gift shopping and entertaining.

Before any more of you gather the children around the Kitchen Table and tell their sad faces through visible puffs of your warm breath as it hits the frigid air that the rest of the year is cancelled take consideration of these suggestions I just pulled out of my answer bag.

Columbus Day – Every year we pretty much ignore celebrations commemorating the introduction of genocide and tapas to the New World by going about our normal routines. If you didn’t think it possible to scale back on that, guess again. Here’s a fun nighttime activity for a Columbus Day party. If your electricity is still connected turn off the lights. If you have a candle light it. BOOM! You’re on the Santa Maria. Go! Pretend your planning the mutiny against Mr. Columbus long after it’s become clear he’s not the maritime genius he portrayed himself to be. Make it a game. Come up with punishments for him and vote on the best one. Go freestyle and play charades or tell ghost stories, but don’t blow your wad. Remember, Halloween’s right around the corner. Do remain in character though. And don’t eat. No dinner, no snacks, no sodas. It is in this level of role playing where you really see the net money savings.

Halloween – This one is a little creepy, but we’re on a budget. Don’t buy any candy or decorations. Go to your computer and stream Halloween sound effects. At sundown leave the lights off. When trick-or-treaters knock open the door summon them into the darkness. You only have moments before their eyes adjust so work quickly. In any sinister voice you can muster say something to the effect of “open your bags so I can give you treats.” Proceed to stick your hand into each of their candy receptacles and shake it to give the impression that you are depositing candy. If you skipped lunch, help yourself. If you’re a worrier, buy a small cache of candy just in case you happen to be the first house on a kid’s route or if all the other families on your block have taken stock in this same sage advice.

Thanksgiving – This one is a little scummy, but you got to feed your kids. Before you buy a turkey make contact with friends and acquaintances whose company you can bear. Catch up on how hard the recession has hit your family. Inflate the situation like you would on a job resume. Make it clear there will be NO Thanksgiving in your house this year. Then wait for the invitation. Hem and haw for about five seconds before accepting. Ask what you can bring. If the answer is not “We’ll have more than enough, don’t bring a thing” call back in five minutes whispering that your spouse was too proud to accept the invitation. The only cost to this Thanksgiving should be the gas it takes to get there and back. If you can arrange it, just drop the kids off and use the time alone with your better half. If possible, first hit up any gay couples with kids. Those families have big hearts, the need to feel legitimate, and a flair for entertaining. If you feel like a scumbag for not giving back, in the end you gave them a holiday nightmare story they’ll be sharing with your mutual friends for years to come.

Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa – December is a time when Americans of all faiths are put under tacit pressure to make up for however lousy the economy was the previous months. It seems dubious right now that Christ or Buddha can save the 09 shopping season, but that’s no reason to abandon the spirit. You’re probably asking “Tell me how anyone’s supposed to buy presents when everyone is dirt poor?” Well, a little song we all know suggests you can make a dreidel out of clay. Clay is just dirt. That kid made a fully functioning dreidel OUT OF DIRT! Now you might be saying “we don’t know if that dreidl ever turned out. The kid sings ‘when it’s dry and ready, oh dreidel I SHALL play’.” Well I did a search for any additional verses and found “it has a lovely body/ with legs so short and thin/ and when my dreidl’s tired/ it drops and then I win.” While I admit I’m not sure dreidels have legs we do get an indication that the dreidel worked. If some kid could make a spinning top requiring a certain symmetry and balance then you can make a pot pipe and matching ashtray. Pot pipe not your thing? Try a menorah or a kinara or a ceramic Ben Gazarra. Go nuts because that’s really what Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa is all about.

Now you might be saying “we get no indication from the song that the kid is actually a kid. This could be a professional potter: a grown ass man” In that case, you got me.

New Years – Some time before New Years Eve convert to some old religious sect whose doctrine dictates the wages of conspicuous celebration are being locked in a box or something. Quit on the first. You really won’t have missed much. Besides, the only time you should be counting backwards while wasted is during a DUI stop.

3 comments:

  1. You're such a good writer.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Chip, you're so real!Thanks for the early Sunday morning entertainment!

    Loveya, Aunt Florney

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hilarious!

    Love,

    Diane

    ReplyDelete